But, I Watched You Die
by Llewellyn McEllis
Summary: She had seen him die. Empty pleading of his grey eyes had been etched into the background of all her memories after that day—lost wonder of a soul pleading with life to let it hang on just a little bit longer. And then just like that, he was gone.
1. Chapter 1

I.

_She had seen him die. The empty pleading of his once grey-green eyes had been etched into the background of all her memories after that day—lost wonder of a soul pleading with life to let it hang on just a little bit longer. And then just like that, he was gone. She couldn't remember when she'd dropped to the ground, when she'd cradled his heavy head in her lap and felt the final squeeze of his fingers before life left him. She had seen him die, and yet he still walked._

**Caprica—27 Days Before Invasion**

"Colonial Ministry of Defense. How may I direct your call?" Kendra Conoy tapped the back of her pen against the appointment book in front of her, the telephone receiver nestled firmly between her neck and chin. "I'm sorry, Dr. Baltar is expected to be in conference most of the day. Could I take a message for him, or would you like me to forward you to his voicemail?" She glanced up at the sound of footsteps and voices in the entrance hall and took note of Dr. Baltar and the gorgeous blonde assistant who always seemed to be at his arm anymore. "One moment, please while I transfer you." Kendra sent the caller into Dr. Baltar's voicemail service and replaced the telephone. She had only looked away a moment, but in that moment Dr. Baltar's assistant had disappeared, and he strolled toward her desk alone.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Conoy." His warm and charming accent was enough to tickle all the ladies in the office, and while Kendra only had eyes for her husband, she certainly didn't mind the attention the good doctor showed her.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Baltar," she grinned almost sheepishly, feeling the blush of her own inadmission flooding warmly into her cheeks. "Don't you look devilishly handsome this afternoon."

"Flattery, Ms Conoy. . ." he began, shaking his head and clucking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Well let me tell you, flattery will get you everywhere with me." He was sharply dressed, in fact so sharply dressed that though he had shed his formal jacket and loosened his tie, Gaius Baltar even made casual look elegant. His finely sculpted features stretched almost mechanically to express delight at her observation. He knew he looked good, he always knew he looked good, but hearing it only confirmed his own suspicions. "I don't suppose you've finally given up on that tired old tradition of marriage to oblige my invitation to dinner, have you, Kendra?"

She laughed easily and brought her hand to rest up under her chin, showing off the diamond that had only been on her finger a few months. "Dr. Baltar, I do declare. You're going to make a dishonest woman of me yet."

"I do try my best," he wagged his eyebrow playfully, his perfect smile accommodating the giddy feeling his presence lent. "I always find it an utter shame to see a pretty girl, such as yourself, go to waste in marriage." And just like that he was able to switch over to business, making the charm of his flirtation all the more intense. "Do you have any messages for me, dear Kendra?"

She rifled through the papers on her desk a moment and produced a stack of messages, "Here you are. And don't forget to check your voice messages, Doctor. You've had half a dozen or more calls that insist they speak directly to your answer phone."

"Thank you, Kendra, I'll check them straight away." He assured her. "Now, I'll be in my office until about three-thirty, but I'd rather not take any calls, if you please."

"No problem, sir."

She watched as he sauntered away from her desk, into the hallway until he was no more than a shadow lengthening on the wall, and thought there was no accounting for taste. She loved her husband, but a man like Gaius Baltar really knew how to make a woman reevaluate herself and her decisions to settle down. She had fantasized about him in the past, young successful, and with not one, not two, but three Magnate Prizes and he was only thirty-one. He was brilliant, a genius unlike any their civilization had seen in centuries. Oh yes, she had fantasized about Dr. Baltar, but she wasn't the kind of girl who was stupid enough to believe she could catch him and teach him how to be faithful. No, her fantasies had been enough, and since she'd gotten married, they were very few and far between.

Line one sounded, snapping her back to reality and the present moment. Kendra could still feel the heat in her face moments later when she lifted the receiver to her ear and said, "Good afternoon, Colonial Ministry of Defense. How can I direct your call?"

"You can direct me to the most gorgeous receptionist in the building." Her husband's soft voice slyly slipped across the lines, increasing the warm rush of blood to her face.

"Leoben," she laughed. "You know I'm not supposed to take social calls on this line. You should have called my mobile."

"I know, but I needed to hear your actual voice, and that mobile of yours always sends me straight to voicemail." He explained. "And I have a bit of a surprise for you."

"Surprise?" There was very little surprise when it came to her husband. Leoben Conoy read like a book to her. He was steady, reliable—even if he did spend most of his nights on strange top-secret missions he couldn't share the details on. He was, on the other hand, romantic in his own right, and from time to time he did manage to astonish her with some never before seen side of himself, a quixotic and reckless side that only ever seemed to emerge when she had lost all hope of ever seeing it again. That side of him had excited her enough to make her want to spend eternity with him. "You know I'm no good with surprises."

"And you know how I love to torture you," he chuckled. "That's why I'm not going to let you in on the surprise until tomorrow morning when I get home."

"Tomorrow morning?" She nearly shrieked in disbelief, but quickly put her tone in check to keep from arousing inter-office suspicion. "You're going to leave me with that now, and not tell me until morning. You are cruel."

"I'm sorry, love. I'm not going to make it home tonight. I got roped into something here, and I can't back out now. It was my own fault."

"Leoben," a soft breath of disappointment cascaded over the mouthpiece of the phone, echoing back at her through the receiver. "A more insecure woman might suspect that her husband was having some illicit affair, you know."

"I know," he almost seemed to shed a soft scoff of laughter. "But you're not insecure, Kendra. You're a rock, and you know in your heart I'm absolutely devoted to only you."

"Yeah, yeah. . . I bet you say that to all of your wives."

"All of my wives?" He really did laugh then. "I can barely handle the one I have now, what makes you think I'd want several of you pulling me in all directions at once? Look, I promised you before we were married that things wouldn't be like this forever, and my promise was real. Things aren't going to be like this forever, Kendra."

"So what am I supposed to do tonight? It's Friday night, Leoben. What kind of girl spends a Friday night alone?"

"A devoted young married girl, that's the kind of girl," he pointed. "Why don't you go ring up your girlfriends and paint the town red. You haven't had a good night out since we got married."

"I suppose I could," she sighed again. "It's just that. . . I don't know. I've rather grown to enjoy spending my Friday nights with you, and I've gotten so used to not sleeping late on Saturdays alone."

"You could wait up for me," he suggested in a soft tone.

A weak smile drew at Kendra's mouth and came through in her reply, "I suppose I could. Maybe I'll rent a movie and invite Samantha over."

"That's my girl."

"Now tell us about this surprise of yours."

Leoben laughed casually, and it lingered for a moment before he said, "Clever, clever, but as I said, you'll have to wait until tomorrow."

"So unfair to lift a girl up like that only to let her fall!"

"Don't worry, I'll catch you before you hit rock bottom," there was a catch of sarcastic appreciation in his assurance. "Look at it like this. You'll have something to look forward to."

The other line sounded, and a defeated breath escaped her. "I've gotta get going, that's my other line. Take care of yourself tonight." She knew he wouldn't hear any other drabble or nonsense about being careful, or making it home alive. "Not knowing what kind of secret business you're on always makes me worry."

"I'll be fine," he promised.

"Love you."

"Love you too."

She switched lines almost hesitantly.

"Good afternoon, Colonial Ministry of Defense. How may I direct your call? I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid Dr. Baltar is out of the office this afternoon. Would you like me to take a message for him. . ."


	2. Chapter 2

II.

_She dreamed that she was running down a strange corridor in sterile, military environment. Prickling pins and needles of fear danced through her entire body and made the muscles in her legs feel like rubber. Every down-step of her feet was luck, or so it seemed until the heavy hand came down on her shoulders from behind and she stumbled forcefully into the cold, metallic wall. She had never felt so afraid in all her life, afraid and hopeless, as if the only thing she had ever known to be true in her life had turned up false, had turned out to be the onset of her own demise. _

_"Don't," she whimpered pleadingly. "Please. There is something you should. . ." He squeezed tighter, pressing her into the wall so that it felt as though she and the wall were about to become one. "There is something you should know, please." _

_"You don't know me," a thick, distorted voice spread hot breath against the back of her neck. He continued to squeeze, bearing down hard on her from behind until she thought her body would burst from the pressure. "You don't know me." _

26 Days before Invasion

06:38 A.M.

"So much for waiting up," Leoben's gentle voice swept against her ear and sent shivers rippling through every curve of her relaxed frame. She pulled into herself almost fetally, brought her knees forward and waited for him to tuck in accordingly behind her. "I knew you wouldn't last past midnight." In a matter of moments he had lifted the heavy comforter and slipped in, folding his body neatly into hers from behind and wrapping his arms around her.

The muscles in Kendra's face pulled into a slow, but teasing grin. "It was well past midnight when I fell asleep." She ran the tip of her tongue over the dry skin of her lower lip.

"Twelve-thirty then?" He pressed his cheek against hers while resting his face

"Try two-thirty, at the earliest. I read until my eyes felt like they were full of sand." She gestured toward the book that still lie open and face down on the edge of the bed.

"But you're awake now," he growled softly. "That's all that matters."

She could feel the rough brush of stubble against her skin, a feeling that always elicited temptation and desire in her. She stretched her body into his, pressed her back firmly against the warmth of his bare chest until his arms struggled to maneuver her so they lay face to face in the half-light of dawn. "I'm awake now," she felt herself smile. It was a silly smile, playful and of the kind that only a newlywed dare risk knowing her husband would take great delight in it.

Leoben moved inward and tasted the readiness of her half-parted lips. His firm hands braced her tighter, fingers stretched and pushed into her flesh. He brought her in so close that the pressure of his urgent desire for her became instantly apparent. She gasped in delighted surprise when he rolled her from her side onto her back and then perched himself on his arms above her. "You know, sometimes when I watch you sleep, I think you are one of God's angels. Perfect, peaceful. . . wonderful," he paused, his grey-green eyes searching her face as though he were memorizing it. "I know I am not worthy of your love."

"Shh," she reached up and touched a finger to his lips. The sting of emotion blurred her vision, and she blinked quickly to hide how overwhelmed his love still made her feel. "I'm no angel," she whispered. "And you shouldn't watch me sleep."

"Why not?" His clever grin drew to the far reaches of his face, revealing the sinister playfulness that had originally inspired notions of desire for him inside her. That desire continually ached within her, no matter how many times he satisfied her, and she longed desperately to struggle toward heaven with him again.

She leaned upright and kissed the corner of his mouth, then brushed her lips slowly against his. "You'll give me a complex."

He shook his head as she released herself into the pillows below them with a soft bounce. Leoben looked into her and for a moment she felt as though he had really looked inside her, past the façade all people wore to disguise their insecurities. "I wish you could see you the way I see you." The gravelly brush of his chin scraped delicately across her cheek as he descended to whisper in her ear. "You're perfect in my eyes." He lowered himself nearer to her and she raised her thigh against his hip, pressing into him in near desperation.

Struggling bodies fought to become closer, to merge into one melted creation, one being that lived and breathed only one another—that cried out with one voice to the heavens in magnanimous celebration of glory and wonder. Kendra had known only one other lover before Leoben, but she didn't need to be experienced to know that there wasn't another man alive who could satisfy her the way he did.

They had met at the Ministry. He worked for Colonial Civil Intelligence, and that was all she knew. He'd flashed a badge at her and explained that he had been sent to secure the area after reports of terrorist activity within the Ministry. Just as she was leaving that evening she ran into him in the hallway. He'd been a little bit shy in his flirtation with her at first, beating around the bush with questions about how she liked her job and if she didn't get tired of all the suits strutting around in their arrogance all day. They had been just outside Dr. Amorak's office as he was coming out, dressed to the gills in the stuffiest suit Kendra had ever seen. He had looked over both of them, sneered almost as though he knew what they had been talking about and then he walked away. Kendra had started to laugh, a nervous and uncontrollable laughter that had touched him, or so he later said.

"My name is Leoben," he held his hand out to her.

How she had trembled when she reached out to accept it. "Kendra."

"Kendra," he repeated it more eloquently than anyone had ever said her name. "Magical, child of water. "

She had looked away, her cheeks flushed with the heat of flirtatious embarrassment. "I wouldn't know about magical," she had said, a nervous guffaw followed.

Leoben had tilted his head back, smiling rather curiously at her when he said, "I imagine you're quite magical, even if you don't yet know it yourself. Let me show you," he said. "Say tomorrow evening at dinner."

She'd almost said no, however her natural instinct to steer clear of strange men completely clouded by the glisten of playfulness in his sharp eyes. "I'd love to have dinner with you," she said rather quickly. In retrospect on the way home she had fretted about sounding too eager, almost to the point of desperation. She had given him her address, and he promised to pick her up around seven. Her insecurity over appearing too eager or desperate was quickly assuaged by the arrival of a colorful bouquet of flowers.

Despite any reservations she might have had in the past, and despite her own inexperience, they made love that first night, and in the swift shadows of early morning he confessed, "I've never done anything like this before."

"Neither have I," she felt ashamed for a moment, and grateful for the darkness which hid that shame. Making love with him had been the most incredible experience she'd ever had, and her feelings about the entire ordeal were mixed at best.

They still lie together, her head cradled in the crook of his arm and pillowed by the muscle of his shoulder. He traced patterns over the naked skin of her back, and from time to time she shivered with delight. It was stupid, but she felt as though she had known him her entire life, as though there was no one else for her but him, and that only intensified the shame she felt for sleeping with him just hours after their first date.

"Have you ever felt close to someone just moments after meeting them, like you've known them before, in another life or another time?" A soft fingertip trailed the tender skin from the base of her spine to just up under her shoulder and she shuddered.

She thought for a moment about what he was asking, and tried to remember any time in her life she had felt that way. There wasn't a time, she realized. She had never felt that close to anyone because she'd never let her guard down far enough to let anyone in, but with Leoben, it had been too easy. She had already broken every rule in her personal code of conduct, why not allow herself to experience the euphoric de-ja-vu of love at first touch?

"This is going to sound stupid. . ." she started.

"No," his finger stopped and the flat span of his palm opened against her back in a comfortable gesture. "It won't sound stupid. I know. Trust me."

"I want to," she said. "I want to trust you, that's the thing. I want to believe that what I feel isn't crazy, but it feels like I have known you before, before and always."

He lowered his lips against her forehead and said, "It isn't crazy to let yourself know love. It is the will of god for all his children to know love, to embody the very essence of love itself."

Four months later they were married, and three more months had passed since then. They hadn't even known each other one full year and yet Kendra felt more at peace with herself and with the Gods than she had in all the years of her life combined. There was no question about it anymore, no uncertainty. Theirs were two souls eternally combined, and that was just the way she wanted it to be forever. There was no life beyond their love, beyond their future together. There was only life because of their love.

center /center

Sunlight burst through the vertical blinds in crisp white stripes that now made patterns across the bed and the wall. It was nature's announcement that the day had begun outside and the world was rising. Kendra had fallen asleep again, but now she rose and left her exhausted lover alone in the middle of the bed. She glanced back at him from the doorway, face down on the mattress, arms tucked under the pillow in which he buried himself. The blond tufts of his hair were in disarray from the couple hours he'd been asleep, and she couldn't stop herself from grinning at the adorable picture he made. Then she shook her head thoughtfully and left him to sleep.

In the bathroom she slid out of her bathrobe and turned on the shower. Clouds of steam filled the small bathroom quickly, and painted the mirrors and windows with a layer of condensation. She slid the glass door to the side and slipped in beneath the heavily pulsing jets of hot water. Water streamed over the curves over body as she ducked her head under the shower head and allowed it to soak her hair around her face. She moved it away from her face with her hands, and then leaned forward to press her face against the cool tiled wall. She wasn't sure how long she stood that way, thoughtless, motionless, as rushes of hot water poured down her back and puddled into the drain, but outside she heard the rustle of movement, and then the shower door opened.

Leoben slipped in behind her and rested his hands on the slender definition of her hips. He came in close and kissed her ear. "Were you going to let me sleep all day?"

"All day?" She laughed. "We were only asleep a couple of hours. I thought since you were up all night you'd appreciate the sleep."

"I'm not even tired," he told her. "In fact, I thought we could spend the day at the lake."

Kendra brightened with excitement. "Really?"

"Really." He laughed at how easily she felt joy. She wasn't difficult to please in the least way, and that was one of the best things about her. "We'll pack a picnic, sit in the sun, enjoy all of God's creation."

It sometimes made her uneasy the way he singled the Gods into one being. It seemed sacrilegious to ignore the many and only focus on one God, but when she had once asked him about his reasons for doing it she learned rather quickly not to question his spiritual choices. All he asked was that she embrace them, know God like he knew God, and since she had never been subjected to religion growing up, she found his spirituality exciting and comfortable. She soon learned to follow him on philosophical tangents about life, the body, the soul, God, and heaven. He was big on prayer, and from the beginning it had bothered him deeply that she was not more spiritually connected herself.

"That sounds wonderful," she yielded into the gentle tug of his arms.

"But first," he nibbled the sensitive skin at the back of her neck, his warm breath sending shivers through her.

"Leoben," she twisted her neck, stretching outward to accommodate the delightful pressure of his mouth upon her skin. "We just. . ."

"And we will again," he turned her in his arms. Sharp eyes scanned her face, almost challenged her to deny him. "And again and again until we've done it right?"

Kendra raised her hand to his water specked cheek and shook her head thoughtfully. "And what then, when we've done it right? Will we stop?"

"Of course not," his sly grin enamored her as it often did. "It is God's will, his first commandment." It always made her laugh softly to herself when he brought God into their sex life. "It was his first commandment, Kendra. Go forth and multiply."

She leaned into him, rested her forehead against his cheek. It would only make him angry if she asked who she was meant to please more, God or him. It did no good to question him or his sometimes strange philosophies and practices. She yielded to him gratefully, as she always did, but in the back of her mind she wondered what would really happen when he had finally managed to get her with child. Would his attention falter completely, even as he swore it never would?

He tended to her body with complete devotion. He pleased her long before pleasing himself, and that alone was enough to assuage her fears of abandonment, at least for the moment.


	3. Chapter 3

III.

_She could feel the heat of his breath on her forehead as he hovered in over her and pressed against her frame so hard she thought she could feel her bones breaking. She couldn't breathe herself, at least not naturally, and with every struggling gulp of breath she swallowed she felt her physical self grow lighter, as though just one more rasping breath, or lack there of would be the end of her. Her eyes blurred over with tears, and she blinked several times to try and clear them because surely what she saw before her wasn't real._

"I have something you want," she managed.

The abomination before her tilted his head, his silvery-green eyes curious enough to loosen the grip around her throat. "What could you possibly have that I want?"

She swallowed against the pain, and reached up to rub the place where his hand had been. "I was your wife," she said. "Once."

Those familiar eyes did not flare to life with recognition, nor did he even seem to care. Panic mingled with horror when he loomed in close. "I've never been married."

While the sun's light buoyed brilliantly atop the rippling water of the lake, the occasional and swift rise of the wind lifted a chill across the water and whispered goose-bumps over the flesh on Kendra's bare arms. It was between seasons and the late summer weather had taken an early turn toward autumn. Every so often the wind was almost more than they could take, and they both would laugh, Leoben occasionally reaching over to tuck away the haphazardly strewn locks of her flyaway hair. Each time he did, he would laugh, and so would she and he would lean inward and kiss her.

"I should have brought a jumper along," she thought aloud.

Leoben came in and wrapped his arms around her from behind, chaffing his soft-palms against her skin to inspire frictional warmth. "Cold, are you?"

"Not, cold, just a bit chilly at times when the wind blows. We probably could have picked a better day for a picnic, I think." She stretched her legs to the far edge of the blanket, which had flipped corner in the wind, and smoothed it over the grass again. "It won't be long before we blow away."

"Nah," he argued playfully and unlocked his arms from around her. He leaned back on his elbows over the blanket and gazed forward at the lake thoughtfully. "It's a perfect day, the kind of day that makes you grateful to be alive, to simply be a part of it all."

Kendra watched over her shoulder as he tilted his head back and squinted behind sunglasses up at the sky. He was right, actually, and she knew it. It was the perfect kind of day for a picnic. A handful of couples had made their leisure by the water, and nearby a family with small children had plunked down and now tried to keep the little ones still. She settled back onto the blanket herself and shielded her eyes from the sun's brilliance. There were just enough fluffy, white clouds—the really perfect clouds that one could spend an entire afternoon imagining shapes in—sailing lazily through the vast blue sky. Fuel trails left puffy scars on the sky's surface, and from time to time she caught sight of a passenger vessel entering the atmosphere, bringing visitors from the twelve colonies to Caprica City.

"You're absolutely right," she decided. "It is the perfect kind of day—perfect for a surprise!" She rolled onto her side and faced him with a candid grin. She watched the muscles of his face stretch into a smile, even as he didn't lower his gaze yet to look at her. He slowly brought his eyes down, she could barely see them behind the reflective mirrored lenses of his sunglasses, but when he blinked she made out their shape. "You didn't think I would forget, did you?" A soft chuckle escaped her. "I've been holding it in all day, now I think I've behaved long enough. I want to know the surprise."

"I did say something about a surprise yesterday, didn't I?" He reached one hand up, bracing himself on the ground with the other, and then he scratched his chin. He stretched his jaw while drawing his fingers along the line on both sides, all the while he managed to keep grinning.

"Yes, you did." She lifted her legs and crossed her ankles behind her, bouncing them up and down in slow, but excited pulses. "Come on," she tilted her head pleadingly. "Don't make me guess. You know I'm horrible at guessing."

"Sometimes I find myself amazed at how animated you can become at a moment's whim? Like a child, full of wonder, and sometimes I think there's a part of you who is still very innocent. . . waiting to be awakened."

"I'm not a child," she pouted to appease his notion. "Now where's my surprise?"

He laughed at her, his grin broadening so that his entire face lit up. "I have it right here," he said. He had brought a book along with him to enjoy in the lakeside peace. He sat upright then and reached over to the far end of the blanket to grab that book, and then he handed it off to her. "I believe it's stuck fast between pages two-thirteen and two-fourteen."

Kendra took the book into quick, eager hands, and momentarily scanned the cover. Truth Under Freedom, by a philosophical guru named Nedhip Roshall. Working for the ministry of defense, Kendra had very little interest in politics or governmental philosophy, but next to his passion for religion was an even deeper rapport for political and class philosophy. She flipped through the pages, slowing down to separate page 212 from the bulk that held it down. There was the colorful red and yellow flash of an envelope that she immediately backtracked to.

"What is this?" She felt her insides begin to flutter with excitement. "Oh my gods, Leoben," she swallowed against the lump of disbelief that had formed in her throat. "Is this what I think it is?"

"It's what you deserve," his shadow passed behind her just before he fell into place, hands firmly grasping her shoulders, face pressed against hers. "It's the honeymoon I should have given you in the beginning."

Gasping excitedly when she made out the words, "Space Park," on the front of the envelope, she felt the ache of overwhelming tears catch her voice. "Oh my gods!"

"Two weeks on the luxury liner, a complete vacation from this day to day. . . Just you and me, not a care between us."

She folded the book closed over the tickets and turned to face him. He was on his knees, but she straddled his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. He held in her place with his arms while she kissed his face excitedly, and then slowly moved in over his lips. "You're so wonderful," she murmured, opening her mouth into his. Pulling back slightly, she added, "You're everything I ever dreamed."

"I only want you to be happy," he smiled slowly, accepting another of her delighted kisses. "Your happiness is all that matters."

"I've never been happier in all my life." Her eyes stung with happiness, and the wind drove at them, tried to come between them, but there was nothing in the world that powerful. She felt as much when his powerful arms tightened against her lower pack, when the muscles in his chest pressed so close to hers she could feel his heart beating, and it beat in time with her own. "It's going to be so perfect," she told him.

"Yes," he nodded. "It's going to be absolutely perfect."

Outside of their bliss she heard a child's laughter and the drone of the relentless wind. Her body rippled with the electric excitement that only Leoben had ever been capable of stirring inside her. Soon they would have a child of their own, and everything would go on being perfect. He held her tight as he lowered her onto the blanket and hovered over her, his shadow blocking out the light of the sun as he leaned inward and kissed her again. She could tell by the way he nuzzled into her neck, the soft press of his chin against her collar bone, that he wanted her, that were they not in so public a place, he would have taken her right there.

"I want to take you home," he whispered against her cheek.

Kendra laughed softly and tangled her fingers into his hair. "Take me home."

He pressed against her, the urgency of his desire reaching out. A long, dark cloud passed over the sun, and he reached down to take her hand as he rocked back onto his knees. He drew her upward again, and as he stood he kept holding onto her hand. Once she was standing, he pulled the blanket up and threw it over his shoulder, while Kendra gathered their things, and together they walked away from the water. Kendra clutched the book and the tickets in one hand, and Leoben's hand in the other. The two of them couldn't stop smiling at one another, taking every few seconds to exchange giddy grins.

He was smiling at her when it happened, so at first it didn't make sense. She only knew that something was horribly wrong. The shots rang out from afar, but she didn't register them at first with the pained expression that slowly robbed him of the overwhelming sense of joy he'd been experiencing all afternoon. She felt his fingers slip from hers as he started to fall, a momentary panic when he tried to hold onto her, and then she saw red. It had all happened so fast that the last hour continually raced through her mind while she tried to make sense of what had taken place. She wasn't conscious of her own screams, but heard the distant cry of the child she'd heard laughing before.

Blood spotted the corner of his mouth as he coughed, and it was then that she dropped to her knees beside him. Still unaware of her own frantic screams, she clutched at him and drew him close until she held his head there in her lap. The sunglasses had been lost in the fall, and now she saw only his eyes, shocked, pleading with life to let him hold on.

"Kendra," he choked.

"Shh," she whispered, rocking subtly back and forth as she held his upper body in her lap, cradling his head against her stomach. She screamed over her shoulder for help, and then glanced back down at him through the blurred haze of her own tears. "You're going to be okay," she said. "It'll be all right." Again, the frantic cries over her shoulder clawed into the wind.

"Kendra, I'm sorry," his voice was no more than a strained whisper. "I'm so sorry," he said again, "So sorry, so cold. . ."

"No," she shook her head. "You're going to be okay."

Sirens drew nearer, but she felt no relief, only the horror of truth. She was losing him. She watched him close his eyes, the lids fluttering as though he dreamed, but his face a painful reflection of agony. Mouth twisted, the blood dribbled slowly from the corner of his mouth. She felt the warmth of it pooling into her lap, soaking her clothing, and when the wind blew, she shivered with the cold of his death.

She'd felt the final squeeze of his fingers, and then his body shuddered. Just like that, he was gone—eyes wide open, but no longer seeing. Kendra shut the world off then, the numbness of shock settling in as officials flooded onto the scene. The blanket had fallen beneath him, the book lay open behind her, and the tickets flickered loud against the wind.

He was dead. . . Her love was dead, and inside, so was she.


	4. Chapter 4

IV.

_"I saw you die," she whispered, ignoring the burn of agony in her throat. It was almost as though she could still feel his fingers tightening and squeezing, but after her announcement he had backed away and lowered his eyes from hers._

"I don't know what you saw, but it wasn't me."

"Then who? I think I would know my own husband." Eyes blurred over with tears. "I would know you anywhere."

"Your husband had a dark secret then," he shook his head. "He didn't tell you who he really was."

"Are you his brother?"

The face of the man she knew better than she knew herself lightened for a moment with a smile, "I wish it were so simple."  
Caprica—1 Day Before Invasion

Kendra had fought with herself about going. Night and day she struggled with her choice to take the tickets he had bought for them, and to go herself, but after she'd realized she was late, after the test confirmed what her body already knew, it was easy. She would go away. Take what little she had left and leave—it was what he would have wanted for her, for her and the baby. She reached across the desk and took the photograph of her and Leoben. For a long time she stared at his face, at the blissful smile, eyes filled with life and wonder. She bit down on her lips from the inside, and then she lowered the frame face down into the box.

"It's going to be impossible to replace you," a voice spoke up from her left.

She turned in that direction, startled to see a perplexed Gaius Baltar staring down at her empty desk. "Dr. Baltar," she managed a slow smile. "I'm sure you'll manage just fine without me."

He began to nod, and then reached up to tuck a stray slice of hair behind his ear. "It isn't a question of management, Kendra. It's just that it has been such a pleasure working with you. You will be sorely missed."

"Thank you," she said. "I needed to hear that just now."

"Any definite thoughts on where you might go from here?" He wondered, his eyes darting curiously over her face.

Kendra swallowed. Nothing was definite in her world anymore. Nothing was permanent or planned. Losing Leoben showed her that, and she wanted desperately to take her child to a place here he would live with that kind of freedom on his side. "Just before he was killed, he planned a Cloud Nine trip for us. I think I'll start there and see where that takes me."

She was distracted then by the sound of high-heeled shoes in the corridor, and when she looked up, Dr. Baltar's gaze followed her own. It was her, the blonde woman he seemed to spend so much time with, the contractor they had brought in to help on the defense system. The woman lingered in the shadows, waiting for Baltar to recognize her, but completely oblivious to Kendra. It wasn't a jealousy issue, the woman just simply did not care, and while that normally would not have bothered Kendra, she had recently been having some rather peculiar dreams.

They always started out in the park. She and Leoben, hand in hand, leaving for home. Only in the dream, instead of ignoring their surroundings, she looked up just moments before the shots rang out, and she was surprised when she realized that the woman with the gun was that strange, blonde woman who had been working with Dr. Baltar. She had killed Leoben, but it was nothing more than a dream. The truth was, Kendra had witnessed nothing of the sort. Not even the police had any leads on his murder, but they continued to promise her they were doing their best.

". . .care of yourself, Kendra." Dr. Baltar's voice drew her back from the dark place in her mind. "I will keep you in my thoughts."

She knew that once she walked out the door, Gaius Baltar would never think of her again, but it was a nice gesture for the moment. "It has been a pleasure working for you, Doctor."

He was already gone, drawn toward the waiting woman in the shadows. . . the murdering demon from Kendra's dream. They slowly disappeared, to Gaius' office, or some other secret place, and Kendra found herself alone in the spacious front office for the Colonial Ministry of Defense . She had worked there for years, had once imagined she would work there until she retired, but she was no longer that same woman. She no longer thought about the future. Lifting the small box of her belongings, she took one last look around the office, and then she walked away.

"Your boarding pass, Miss?" She handed over her boarding pass and waited while the receptionist checked it for validity. Smiling, the girl handed it back to her and said, "You're going to have the time of your life! I just came back from Cloud Nine myself."

Kendra forced a smile and nodded. "That's what I've heard. The time of your life."

"If you want to have a seat over there, we'll be calling your section in about three minutes."

Everyone around her bubbled with excitement. She watched young couples, old couples, awkward and strange couples. . . so many couples, all of them surrounded her with their overwhelming coupleness. She tried to ignore the ache in her heart, but it caught so often at the back of her throat and made it hard for her to breathe. Once she was on Cloud Nine things would be different. She could hide away from it, from them, and really concentrate on the part of himself he had left behind—the baby. In the meantime, she was brushed aside, jostled about in line, pressed on and stepped on by couples, and her heart ached with the familiar lack of surrounding she had shared with them all just weeks before. No one had mattered then but them, their love, their bodies aching for constant physical contact. A shudder of dark awareness rippled through her when she realized she would never know that touch again, that urgency in the night with which he often woke her, the passion in his every frantic touch, as though he feared each stroke of her skin might be his last.

"Commuter ship OU94 bound for Cloud Nine now boarding. Passengers row A through G please line up to the left and present your ticket before boarding."

Kendra rose, and started toward the line, all of those couples in their infinite joy nearly changing her mind. She tried to picture herself staying home, and even saw herself wrapped deep in sleep, days unraveling while she wasted away in the bed they once shared. She stepped into the line, and thought it was hard, she smiled as she presented her pass.

"Have a safe and wonderful journey, Mrs. Conoy," the steward ushered her through the gates, and she never looked back.

The attacks did not start until she was safely nestled into her room on Cloud Nine. The aftershock of Caprica's devastation, of the continual attacks on the colonies by Cylons, never once seemed peculiar to her, and she simply considered her safety a coincidence. She was lucky, she told herself over and over again. One of the fortunate ones now stranded in the deep bowels of space without a home. All semblance of reason and structure had disintegrated in their lives, and though the Cloud Nine had suffered only minor damage, the passengers were transferred temporarily onto the Gemenon Traveller while repairs were made.

It was there that she saw him. Even though she knew he was dead, had held him in her arms and watched the life flee from his once so vibrant eyes. And she had confronted him, half-sick with fear and yet hopeful that in some insane misunderstanding beyond her reckoning that he still lived. She had watched his eyes grow wide with confusion first, and then horror—obvious horror like his greatest secret had been unearthed. That was when she ran, and he had chased her down, through the empty hallway of the trading vessel until he'd cornered her there, prepared to kill her if he must, anything to keep his secret.

"Don't," she whimpered pleadingly. "Please. There is something you should. . ." He squeezed tighter, pressing her into the wall so that it felt as though she and the wall were about to become one. "There is something you should know, please."

"You don't know me," a thick, distorted voice spread hot breath against the back of her neck. He continued to squeeze, bearing down hard on her from behind until she thought her body would burst from the pressure. "You don't know me."

She could feel the heat of his breath on her forehead as he hovered in over her and pressed against her frame so hard she thought she could feel her bones breaking. She couldn't breathe herself, at least not naturally, and with every struggling gulp of breath she swallowed she felt her physical self grow lighter, as though just one more rasping breath, or lack there of would be the end of her. Her eyes blurred over with tears, and she blinked several times to try and clear them because surely what she saw before her wasn't real.

"I have something you want," she managed.

The abomination before her tilted his head, his silvery-green eyes curious enough to loosen the grip around her throat. "What could you possibly have that I want?"

She swallowed against the pain, and reached up to rub the place where his hand had been. "I was your wife," she said. "Once."

Those familiar eyes did not flare to life with recognition, nor did he even seem to care. Panic mingled with horror when he loomed in close. "I've never been married."

"I saw you die," she whispered, ignoring the burn of agony in her throat. It was almost as though she could still feel his fingers tightening and squeezing, but after her announcement he had backed away and lowered his eyes from hers.

"I don't know what you saw, but it wasn't me."

"Then who? I think I would know my own husband." Eyes blurred over with tears. "I would know you anywhere." She longed to reach out and touch the stiff line of his jaw, to run her fingers into his hair.

"Your husband had a dark secret then," he shook his head. "He didn't tell you who he really was."

"Are you his brother?" She wondered. "A twin, maybe?"

The face of the man she knew better than she knew herself lightened for a moment with a smile, "I wish it were so simple."

"Then please," she pleaded. "Explain it to me? What am I to tell my unborn child about his father?"

The dark light in his eyes suddenly shifted, and he backed slowly away from her. "Your unborn child?"

Kendra nodded eagerly, a part of her hoping that this admission would bring some shred of truth from him, some explanation that would make everything okay, but a long shadow crawled down the length of his face, into his neck as he turned away. "You must tell no one who your husband was, who your child's father is, or you will both die. Do you understand me?"

"No," she stammered. "I don't understand. Why?"

"Because your husband was a Cylon," it fell from his lips so easily, as though it were the simplest explanation in all the world. "Your unborn child is a miracle."

Cold emotion trickled through her as his words sunk heavily into her mind. From behind him, Kendra heard a surge of voices, determined and anxious. One of them called out, "That's him! Go go go!" Military sleeved arms reached in between them, severed him from her quickly, and began to drag him away.

"A miracle," he cried out. "A miracle," as the dragged him around the corner at the end of the corridor.

A soldier had steadied her, reached in and shook her back to herself, asking, "Are you all right, Miss? Did he harm you?"

She staggered back, half shaking her head, the other part involuntarily overwhelmed by trembling. "No," she managed. "I'm fine."

"What did he say to you?"

She swallowed, her entire relationship with Leoben flashing through memory in some bizarre chain of events that finally seemed to make sense. "Nothing," she looked away. "Nothing that made sense."

"Did you know him?" the soldier asked.

She thought about screaming, _"YES! YES I KNEW HIM! THAT MAN WAS MY HUSAND!"_ But instead, she said in a meager voice, "I've never seen that man before in my life," because she knew that lie would keep her safe. It would keep both her and her unborn child safe. 

Chapter End Notes: 

This wound up being much longer than I anticipated when I first set out to write it, so if the ending feels rushed, that is probably why. 


End file.
